Malea had lived through a crazy year.  So much had changed in the span of 11 months, but it was the holidays. She needed the magic of the season to help spark the healing she so desperately needed. She thought about all the changes in her life over the last 11 months, but all she could focus on for now was being home, with the people she loved.  She needed this, to remember who she was and what she needed.

Malea’s mind flashed back to the moment she knew her marriage needed to end.  She thought about the grief she experienced when she decided to file for divorce.  She thought about the sadness she felt as she considered leaving her husband, but she knew this was the next step. It had to be.  She didn’t like who she had become, and she needed to find herself, and her joy. 

As she drove and got closer to home, Malea began to see things she recognized. She took her final exit off the highway and felt tears coming to her eyes. She remember growing up, and all the dreams she had.  She thought about her goals and the life she wanted to create back then.

She remembered other trips on the same road as she watched familiar businesses and houses go by. She thought about a trip while she was in college that included driving in a blizzard.  That trip was scary.  She remembered not being able to see the road.  She followed a semi-truck carefully, as snow was falling so hard that her wipers had trouble keeping up. The destination wasn’t as important, back then, as the adventure. She missed that part of herself.

She thought about places that were a part of her past as she continued. She thought about the people in those places and memories that she never wanted to forget. She thought about who she was and hoped that she could find that person again. She thought about how easily she smiled back then, and how much she laughed.

“When did I lose her?” Malea had asked herself many questions recently, but she was determined to find some answers.

Tears came to Malea’s eyes again, as she thought about how long it had been since she felt happy. Her marriage wasn’t horrible, but it had been years since she and her husband had been able to laugh together. Maybe it was just the responsibility that she felt as a wife, and a mother, that became overwhelming. She didn’t know, but she knew that she had to find out.

Malea kept driving, watching the world go by.  The closer she got to her destination, the more memories began to overwhelm her. She found a place to stop that had meaning to her. She parked and just sat in the car. Tears were coming faster now, and she was glad that she stopped.  She gave herself time to cry.  She hadn’t done that often recently, but she knew that she needed it.

As she sat in her car, she thought about all the times she felt alone and overwhelmed.  She thought about times when she asked her husband for support.  She thought about how often she swallowed her needs because it felt easier than explaining them. She thought about all the times that she sacrificed her happiness to try to save her marriage. But sitting here now, in the quiet stillness of a winter afternoon, she couldn’t ignore them anymore. The weight of all those unspoken moments felt heavy, and she no longer wanted to carry the weight.

Malea wiped her face with a napkin she found in her car and leaned her head back against the headrest. Outside her windshield, her spot looked the same. Her place was on the edge of town where she used to go in high school to think about life and to dream about the future. She had no idea what the future held back then, but she never thought it would bring her to this moment.  She didn’t know about love, or marriage, or how complicated finding happiness would become.

She took a shaky breath.

“I miss you,” she whispered, not to any person, but to herself. She missed the person she used to be. The woman she wanted to return to. She had to find that person again. She needed that person. Her biggest fear was that person was gone, never to be found, but in that moment, she remembered her and she felt hope.