Creating healthy relationships starts with creating a healthy relationship with yourself.  Working on yourself includes getting enough sleep, eating healthy, and exercise, but there is so much more. Being happy with yourself, is a tough concept, and not easy to accomplish, but thinking about it is a start. People who are healthy have healthy ways to think about things, and that doesn’t include controlling or aggressive behavior.  They respect themselves, and they respect others, and that is the beginning of developing healthy relationships.

I have worked with so many people in negative relationships. One of the first things that we work on is boundaries. The focus of relationships is to give and take. Many times relationships are one direction, and people give more than they get. I have worked with people who have lost their savings, giving too much to others. I have also worked with people who have issues with expecting too much. It is not the responsibility of any other person to make you happy. If you are married, it’s not up to your spouse to make you happy. That’s not healthy. Also, it’s not healthy to think you can make someone happy. If that was the case, I would have my own television show.

Now we should talk about concepts, like the fine line between being assertive and aggressive.  Being assertive can help you more closer to your goals, while aggressive can get you fired or alone.  I work with many patients about the difference in these two things, but the fine line can be hard.  When we are assertive, we can make our needs and thoughts known without putting people in defense mode.  With a calm voice, low volume, and pleasant disposition, we can be firm about requests and needs, and be heard.  As I watch the public when I go out, I see people raising their voice, yelling at store clerks, getting in people’s space and struggling with boundaries.  Those people are aggressive and less likely to get what they need.  They are more likely to get asked to leave and not accomplish what they set out to do, and to be divorced.  Healthy relationships include assertiveness, but not aggression.

Creating healthy relationships also includes being a good parent. I know I need to teach my kids how to manage the world, but sometimes it’s just easier to take over and do things.   If I support them, help them make the decisions or review their options, it takes time, but they learn more.  I can think of times that they made decisions, that I worried about, and sometimes it went well, and other times, they managed the consequences.  I often talk with parents about the difference between control and support, and help them define their relationships with their kids. Kids need both, depending on the situation, and will benefit from understanding each. However, they don’t need aggression or degradation. That’s not healthy.

Everyone wants to be strong and feel that they can handle things.  I think people also want to help others, but some people take advantage of that trait.  In talking with patients, some have trouble saying no.  I have talked with so many people over the years that are in financial trouble because family members took advantage of them.  I think healthy relationships with yourself and others begin with the ability to say no, to yourself (when you are about to buy or eat something you don’t need) or to others (when your kids have trouble standing on their own two feet and keep coming to you for rent, or whatever).   Learning to say no is hard, but it’s important.  Don’t be afraid to say no.

This is a simple discussion, and there is so much more to these concepts, but my hope is it will get you thinking.  Do you get aggressive with people and push them away?  Are you a pushover and have trouble saying no?  Do you try to control others, instead of being supportive?  As you start thinking about healthy relationships, think about relationships and how you are supporting those around you and how they are supportive you. That can be the beginning of being happy, for life.