Many people take classes in high school or early college that include simple child development, at least I did.  You learn about attachment, object permanence, physical and cognitive developmental milestones and what it means if milestones aren’t met.  I don’t think enough is shared though about family development.  It helps to better understand family development, just like child development, to consider where you are in the process and when things are heading in the wrong direction.  When it comes to family development, it all starts with a committed relationship, and develops from there.

                Consider early relationships, when it’s just the couple.  They have time to focus on each other, spend time together, and develop their relationship.  Many times, they are completing an education or starting a career.  Their communication is usually good and effective, and they are able to manage conflict, and support each other.   If they are committed to each other there is little to come between them, and they move forward together.

                The second stage is when children come into a relationship, either by birth or adoption.  Children shift the focus of the relationship from the couple to the child.  If the relationship is strong, they come together to care for the child, and other children to come.  I believe that children change a relationship, and its focus, and can put pressure on the relationship at times.  As young children grow, they come with different complications.  They develop ideas, and learn how to say no.  They challenge parents with developmental phases like the “terrible twos” and potty training.  The couple relationship is tested related to commitment and communication.  If the couple doesn’t support each other, cracks can form in the relationship.  Communication becomes less effective, conflict may be harder to overcome, and support for the kids often overshadows the couple’s support for each other.

                The next stage is when children start school.  This brings on new complications for the family development, because it becomes harder to shield kids from life.  They are now learning behavior outside the home, and struggling at times to understand issues.  They are making friends, and trying to understand and manage friendships.  Parents are often working and trying to manage a career, putting stress on the marital relationship.  Between trying to support the marriage, and the kids, and activities like soccer, dance, and so many other things kids become a part of growing up, there is little time for a couple to focus on their relationship, unless they make time.  This is a tough time for a family, and often when the cracks begin to grow and fracture the family, to the point of divorce at times.  More issues around communication and managing conflict can become problematic.

                If a family makes it through the school phase, the next step is launching children into their own lives.  There is a phase between school and the empty nest, that includes continued support of children, but less control of their behavior, and less ability to provide consequences, after all they may not be living at home.  Even though they may be out of the home, they may still need support and guidance as they learn to find a doctor, a pharmacy, a long term job, an apartment, buying a first car, and learning how to be an adult.  It can be overwhelming, and parents still need to provide assistance, but this too can be an issue for couples.  When one parent wants to give more than the other, it can cause conflict.  Some parents get into trouble providing financial support without expectations that the children will transition into paying their own way.   Increases in conflict, and communication issues can be serious concerns, especially if the support of the other partner is lacking.

                When the kids are gone, and the couple is alone again, they have other things to address.  Their connection is different than the beginning of the relationship because they now have a history, good or bad, that they bring with them.  There may have been events that caused divides.  If the relationship is strong, and they have been able to prioritize each other while caring for their children, this phase can be a breeze.  If they grew apart during that time, this phase can be hard.  Either way, it takes communication and support to develop new goals and plans that will lead them into the future.

                From my perspective, the final phase is when the couple is older, and when medical issues and other conditions may arise.   Having to manage the care of a partner due to dementia, a medical condition, and other issues, puts stress on a relationship.  This is the ultimate commitment, and a hard time for the caregiver.  Watching your life partner sink into dementia, and waking one day to find they don’t know who you are, is painful.  However, it can be the most rewarding as they care for their loved one as best they can.  The stages don’t end until death, if the couple remains together.

                The stages of family development come with so many issues.  The stages can pull families apart, or make them stronger.  They can cause crazy amounts of stress that can become anxiety and depression.  Consider where you are in your family development, and take time to look and think about how you are doing.  Talk with your partner, to maintain good communication.  Support each other. Talk with you kids, to set up a lifetime of support for them, and listen to what they have to say.  Learn to effectively manage conflict.   Don’t lose site of the goal, to stay together as a family.  It’s all part of being happy, for life.