Many people come to therapy to try to save a marriage.  Some people, or couples, come in and talk about “growing apart” from their partner. Some talk about not being able to communicate anymore, or they are fighting about money.  They might talk about fights over issues with their kids, or not spending time together.  They might be frustrated with issues around work, or the house.  There are many things that come up that affect a marriage, or any kind of relationship, but saving a marriage is so much more than any of these.  I would call these symptoms of marital problems, but not the key to saving a marriage.  So how do you save a marriage? 

The first key to saving a marriage has to be communication.  Very few couples can talk about anything.  Some struggle due to not wanting to hurt their partner.  Others can’t find the words, and many others don’t have the vocabulary to put their thoughts and feelings into words.  Being able to communicate how you feel can be very hard.  Being able to share issues, even with a close partner, can bring up fear and anxiety.  Most people don’t want to hurt others, so they keep how they really feel to themselves.  This puts roadblocks into relationships because the couple isn’t sharing concerns.  By not sharing concerns, those concerns can take on a life of their own, growing to a point that they can’t be overcome.  Recommendation 1- Develop strong communication.

The next consideration is honesty.  Although honesty between the couple is important, I want to start by being honest with yourself.  I have talked with couples in the past, and with individuals.  I have asked them what they want, and many are not able to answer that question.  Before you are honest with others, you must be honest with yourself.  Think about these questions.  What did you expect from marriage?  What did you want your marriage to be like?  Did you want to be married forever?  Is this marriage what you wanted it to be?  By answering questions for yourself, you have information that you can share with your partner.  Talking about expectations can help set new goals and see how far apart you both are or how close.  Recommendation 2- Be honest with yourself first.

Now that you are honest with yourself, be honest with each other.  Share what you expected from marriage and what it has become for you.  Share what parts of your marriage make you happy, and what you feel that you are missing.  Talk about concerns and frustrations, as well as strengths and goals.  You can’t change current dynamics without being able to talk about what is and share your thoughts what you need or are missing.  This part can be extremely difficult.  Both partners have to be able to talk and share in an even way.  Both partners have to be confident and good at setting limits.  They have to be able to advocate for what they want, but also compromise if appropriate.  This may require help, if both partners are not strong enough to advocate well.  Recommendation 3- Be honest with each other.

The final thing to consider is whether you will need help.  Some couples will need a third party to help manage negotiation and discussion.  If there is abuse or infidelity, this may become more important.  These dynamics make saving a marriage that much more difficult.  The third party would work to keep everyone safe and monitor the conversation.   They would also provide feedback and support efforts.  There are many times when having a marital therapist would be recommended. Recommendation 4- Get help if you need it.

Saving a marriage, or any relationship, can be done.  If this is a goal for you, consider the steps above.  Consider if you will need help.  Whether you save your marriage or decide to end it, you can have a wonderful future.  Whatever you decide, it will be a step toward being happy, for life.