Mary began noticing changes in Diane, for the better. Mary was still working on getting Diane to communicate, and Diane wasn’t as withdrawn, but it was still work. She continued to work with Ms. Charles and knew that Diane was talking to Kelly at school. Diane didn’t mention anything at home, but Mary was happy that Diane had a new friend.

Mary was watching Diane’s grades, and they were rising. Diane seemed to be getting assignments done and turned in, and her test scores were getting better.

Mary continued to talk with Diane about her day and asked how things were going. Diane didn’t offer much information, but at least she started answering the questions. It was a process, but the changes Mary was making seemed to help Diane feel more comfortable sharing information.

Months passed, and things continued to improve. Diane still spent a lot of time in her room, but the tension seemed to ease over the school year.

As the school year came to a close, Diane became more agitated, and Mary didn’t know why. As the anxiety started to increase, Diane’s grades dropped again. Mary knew something must be happening, she just didn’t know what.

She called Ms. Charles to find out if she knew anything, but she wasn’t aware of any changes. She said that she would keep looking into things, but didn’t have much to report.

Mary knew that she needed to take action. She worked on a plan to try to get Diane to talk and decided to go back to something that they used to do when Diane was younger. She decided to make Diane’s favorite cookies and get Diane to help.

They often made cookies when Diane was younger. Mary remembered that Diane spent more time with her fingers in the bowl, but it always seemed fun when they did it.

When Diane came home from school on a Friday, she was ready. She had started getting the ingredients ready, so when Diane came home, she was starting to mix. Diane came in looking sad and went straight to her room. She didn’t even seem to notice what Mary was doing.

Mary decided to put the cookies on hold and followed Diane to her room. Mary knocked on the door.

Mary heard “what” come from behind the closed door.

“Can I come in?” Mary asked.

Mary had a plan but needed to get in the door to make the plan work. Diane came to the door and opened it. She wouldn’t look at Mary and seemed to have tears in her eyes. Mary came into the room and asked Diane if she was okay.

Diane’s reply came as a surprise but opened a conversation door that Mary quickly walked through. All Mary said what that she was “here and I’m listening”.

Diane started to talk about events at school, including being teased by another student in one of her classes. She talked about the end of the year, and feeling overwhelmed by the homework. She also shared that she had a friend who might be moving away after school ended.

Mary hadn’t heard much about Kelly from Diane, but she knew from Ms. Charles that Diane and Kelly were often together. She began to understand that Diane was worried about losing Kelly.

She let Diane talk, and cry. She was able to go over and sit down next to Diane, and eventually even give her a hug. She just let Diane direct the conversation and offered support. She talked about what Diane was saying, to let Diane know that Mary was listening.

Mary tracked the conversation and found a point when she asked Diane to come and help her make cookies to take her mind off things for a moment.

They went out and started the cookies, and kept talking. Diane seemed to fall back into a younger version of herself, and Mary was happy to feel more connected to Diane again.

They talked more about Kelly, and Diane shared how they met and became friends. Diane talked about being scared that Kelly would have to move, and she would lose her friend at school.

That day sparked more conversations and started to repair the relationship between Mary and her daughter. There was so much more to cover. This day was only the beginning.

The school year came to a close, but Mary and Diane learned so much more than anything Diane covered in school. They learned that their relationship was complicated but worth supporting.

Raising kids is tough. Managing tweens and teenagers is even harder. As kids grow and change, their relationships with parents and family grow and change as well. Communication patterns that worked with elementary school-age kids don’t work when kids hit middle and high school.

Parents struggle when their kids struggle, but don’t make the mistake of “knowing what my kid needs”. You are not your child. You have to ask them how they feel, and listen to the answers, and respect their independence. They have their own experience and ideas. You have things to teach them when you have a teachable moment, and you may need to teach the same skills multiple times over the years. However, you don’t know how they feel.

If you need help, reach out to school professionals or counselors to help. Sometimes it may be easier for your child to share how they feel with a counselor. They can help with skills and give you feedback about current issues and ways to improve communication.

Never give up on your kids, and just let them hide in their room. They need direction and support, they just don’t know how to ask. They will not respond well to yelling, name-calling, or demeaning words. They already question their abilities and sense of self. They don’t need you to make it worse.

Love your kids enough to find a way to get through, even if they don’t want it. It will help you protect your relationship with them, and help them reach their full potential. It’s all part of being happy, for life.