When I talk with people about relationships, I learn a lot about the struggles men and women go through, in and out of relationships.  They talk about everything they gave to relationships with parents, children, lovers, and friends, and their sadness when the relationships don’t go the way they think they should go.  They talk about giving of themselves, and getting little in return.  They talk about “trying so hard” to save a relationship, and they “did everything” they could, but it wasn’t enough and they now feel used.  I have told many patients that love is not enough to sustain a relationship.  Lots of people who love each other divorce every day because they can’t grow together, only apart.  Relationships are not just about love or lust.  There has to be more.

                When couples begin in a relationship, there is an initial connection that might be based on looks, or chemistry, or just time to get to know each other.  I think many people try to build relationships around lust, and an initial chemistry.   That’s a great place to start, but that can’t sustain a relationship.   Some people “fall in love” easily, and others never fall in love at all.  Consider which category you would fall.  When people fall in love, they do anything to try to maintain the relationship, even if it hurts their emotional wellbeing and financial situation. 

                If you love someone, and they love you in return, the relationship is real and should be nurtured.  If you love a person, and you have to fight to keep them through sex, or money, or other ways, you can’t consider that love.  Many relationships go on in unhealthy ways.  I have worked with so many people who stayed too long in relationships that should have ended years before.  Some people end up in significant debt after being taken advantage of financially, and others feel that sex keeps their partner around.  The reality is, if you love and it’s not returned, it will likely never be returned.

                When we talk about issues with love, we can’t just talk about partner relationships.  We also have to talk about how children take advantage of parents and how parents take advantage of their children.  Parents love their children right into the poor house, and children love their parents, sacrificing their own happiness trying to “help” their parents.  Friends take advantage of friends too, causing sadness and pain.  Love is a tricky emotion.  It can be used appropriately, or it can be used as a weapon of destruction.  Part of our job as we mature is to learn the difference.  When I think about families that struggle with emotions and appropriate forms of love, I want to help but sometimes it’s not that simple.

                When you think about love, think about it as a complex emotion.  It can be such a wonderful thing if it’s genuine and real, but is can be a weapon if it’s used against you.  Don’t be a slave to love, be a participant.  Don’t participate alone.   Love should never be one way.  It’s designed to be given and received, but never give it to someone who doesn’t give it back.  It’s all part of being happy for life.