Some people have many friends, and some people have just a few.  Some people spend time with friends often, and others see friends very little.  Some friends are close, in the same town.  Some people have friends is other parts of the country and even the world.  Friendships are an important part of being human, and keep us from feeling alone and afraid.  They are so important as we struggle with life, but sometimes friendships take their toll.  Friendships should be equally supportive, but not judgmental and assuming.  They should be helpful, but not stressful.  When friendships are not helpful, the relationships need to end.

                As a part of treatment, I have learned that there are times when friendships cause more depression and anxiety than love and support.  As I think about friendships, it’s hard when I have a patient with a friend that is taking more, and expecting more, than they are willing to give.  For instance, a friend might want you to go to the mall, but you have to work.  Instead of understanding, they complain that you “never do things” with them.  They try to make you feel guilty and bad about your obligations.  This is not what friends do.  Friends are understanding and focused on what is helpful for you. 

                People often define friends in different ways.  People who are truly there for you are friends.  People who judge and demean are not your friends.  Friends come to pick you up when something happens.  They don’t turn around and complain about the gas it costs later.  They are happy for you and accept your decisions.  Friends don’t make you feel bad about your choices that you feel are best for you.  A recent patient came in very upset about things her friends were doing, as she got into a new partner relationship.  Her friends had wanted to date her, but she wasn’t attracted to them, and the person she was seeing really cared about her.  She felt she had to remain with her previous friends, even if they made her life hard causing issues with depression.  This is not what friends do.

                When you think about your friendships, are they supportive?  I have always encouraged my patients to surround themselves with happy, supportive people.  When you surround yourself with negative, needy people, it can make your life so much more difficult.  As a therapist, I learned early in my career that you can’t make others happy.  I also believe that a smile goes a long way to help others, but offering help to others is different from believing they should take the help.  We have talked about friendships before, and will likely again, but it’s important.  People who are always criticizing, putting you down, and judging your every action are not friends, and should never be called as friends.  Good friends will share concerns is helpful ways, but not in ways that affect your self-esteem.

                Getting out of relationships can be hard, but if it means that you are happier, than you have to take the risk.  Don’t stay in friendships that are not support and enhance your happiness.  Find the help of people who are your friends to help you transition out of that relationship.  Develop a plan to take your life in a different direction.  Get therapy if you need it, but get way.  It will help in your focus on being happy, for life.