Mara met John in college. They were so different, but somehow their differences worked. He was outgoing and she was shy.  He was adventurous, and she was cautious. He had seen the world, and she barely left her hometown, even being away at college was a big adventure for her.

Mara’s mother didn’t like to travel.  She also didn’t have the money for them to vacation in far away places. John had stories about places in Europe and around the world.  He had traveled with his family to places near and far, places that Mara wanted to see and she was riveted as he told stories.

As they continued to spend time together, Mara was hooked. She wanted the relationship to last and made changes in herself to try to keep John around. When she was growing up, she tried to be the daughter that her mother wanted, quiet, flexible, and unseen. She did anything her mother wanted her to do, to keep the peace, and it seemed to work to keep her mother happy.

She did the same with John. She became what he wanted her to be. She agreed with things he wanted to do and liked the things he liked. She convinced him that she was the perfect person for him, but she neglected herself as a part of that.

As things moved along, and they graduated from college, they found work in the city where John wanted to live. They found a place to live that John enjoyed and settled down. The day he asked her to marry him, Mara was so happy.  It felt like she was getting everything she wanted.

Their wedding was beautiful. Mara’s mother couldn’t afford to pay for much, but John and his parents made the day special. She walked down the aisle to the future that she thought she wanted.

The first year was wonderful, and by the end of the year, she was pregnant.  They were so happy and excited, but when Noah was born, things began to change. She wanted to be a mother, and she wanted John to share the experience, but Mara felt that he began to change. He was more focused on work. He spent time with them but said that he didn’t know what he could do.

Their dynamics changed, and Mara began to go back to old patterns that used to work on her mother.  They didn’t work on John anymore, and their relationship began to disintegrate. Their conversations went from talking about adventures and plans to bills and things that Noah needed.  The change was slow over the next couple years but Mara felt it, more profound than she expected.

By the end, they were roommates, not partners.

Mara tried to talk with John but didn’t have the words or skills to talk to him about how she was feeling, and he didn’t seem to notice, at least that’s what she thought. She thought about couples therapy, but she didn’t think he would want to go.

As the relationship fell apart, and they became more distant, Mara felt more alone and broken. She wanted to save her marriage, but she didn’t know how. She wanted a family for Noah, but she had no idea who she was anymore or what she wanted, but she knew that she didn’t want to be the kind of mother that she had.

She started to work on herself, and the more she found her voice the more her marriage suffered until she and John agreed it was time to call it.  The divorce was quiet and simple, but it left Mara feeling alone and lost.  She had to focus on Noah and create a life for him, and that needed to include her work to feel less broken.

She moved them to a place where she had support, found an apartment and a job she enjoyed. She worked with John around visitation and started over, on her terms, but she knew that she had work to do.  She needed to find herself again, and what she wanted, and she knew that it would hard, but she had to try, for Noah.