The next couple weeks were more about the holidays and getting through things at work.  She and Chad continued to talk, and he apologized for making her feel uncomfortable at the visit with his family. Kristi talked about how she felt that day, and Chad talked about his family dynamics.

Chad told her that his family has been very cautious about people coming into the family. She asked about dynamics when he married his wife, and whether they were more accepting. Chad shared that one of the things that his ex-wife talked about was never really feeling accepted by his family.  He didn’t think much of it at the time but realized that she was treated much the same way by him, and by his family.

Kristi and Chad continued to talk about dynamics and their changing relationship. Kristi asked for changes in situations when she was moving into Chad’s world and he agreed to try to do better at introducing her and including her in the future. In January, Kristi attended a party with Chad. It was a gathering of his work friends, at a local restaurant. They walked in, seeing the group quickly, and found chairs at the long table, already surrounded by Chad’s associates. Kristi took off her coat and got comfortable, assuming that Chad would introduce her to the people around them.  That introduction never happened. She was sad, after all the conversations that they had. He hadn’t seemed to grasp anything that she was trying to convey to him.

The night went on, and again she was sitting watching events unfold as if she was watching a movie. Chad drove to the restaurant, but Kristi wanted to go home. She texted Cindy and asked for help and Cindy didn’t hesitate. Quickly, she was on her way to pick Kristi up.  Kristi was lucky that the restaurant was close to her friend’s home.  She put her hand on Chad’s arm and told him that she was going to step outside.  He smiled and returned to the conversation he was having.

Kristi left her seat, grabbed her coat, and went outside.  Cindy picked her up, and Kristi talked about the events of the evening on the way home. Her friend asked her what she was going to do, and Kristi just said that she needed to think about it. When she got home, she texted Chad that wasn’t feeling well and got a ride home.  She would talk with him later. Chad texted a quick okay, but nothing else.

Over the next few days, Kristi thought about events over the last few months. She thought about Chad’s behavior in the beginning and thought that he was great.  She wanted to get to know more about him. Everything seemed wonderful until they started to meet the people in each other’s lives. She tried to make sure that he felt comfortable with her friends and family.  She introduced him to others and tried to include him to help him feel comfortable but didn’t seem to get that in return.

She thought about what she wanted in a relationship and what she didn’t. She liked Chad, but she wouldn’t feel like an outsider in his life. She made the tough decision to talk with Chad about it.

She and Chad met at local coffee shop, to talk.  He was confused about her discomfort at the restaurant, but she explained that he didn’t introduce her as she had requested or try to make her a part of the conversation. He got frustrated and wanted to know why she didn’t introduce herself. She tried to explain that these were his friends and coworkers. He knew them and could help her feel comfortable but chose not to do that.

In the end, Kristi shared that she wanted a parter that would think about her, in every situation, not just when they were alone. She talked about how she felt about him but noted that she couldn’t move forward with someone who didn’t seem to hear what she was sharing with him. He became angry and defensive and seemed to blame her for not being able to incorporate herself into his world. Kristi knew that things were not going well and ended the conversation.  She wished Chad a wonderful life, stood up, got her coat, and began to leave. Chad got more defensive, but Kristi just kept going. 

When she got home, she cried, but not for the end of the relationship. Her tears were more about washing away the stress and sadness that she had been carrying.  It was about staying true to herself and what she deserved. It was about finding the courage to walk away from something that was not healthy, for herself and her future.

Chad texted apologies, trying to save the relationship, but Kristi didn’t respond.  Eventually, the texts stopped, and Kristi started to move on with her life. She was proud of herself for choosing to leave Chad, rather than trying to “make it work”. She would rather feel lonely, than be in a relationship and still feel alone.

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Kristi’s story is all too common, but the ending unfortunately is not. Many people, male and female, stay in relationships where they feel lonely.  They think as long as they are in a relationship, things might get better. What they don’t understand is that unhealthy relationships can increase loneliness.

It takes courage to leave a relationship that doesn’t look horrible from the outside. When you realize that you deserve more than you are getting, it can take a while for change to happen. You may need to plan, to try to share how you are feeling with your partner, and to ask for change in your relationship.  If change happens and the relationship improves, that gives you information about your partner and how they are invested in the relationship. If you make your needs known and they are heard and acted upon, the relationship is generally healthy. If you share how you are feeling, with no real response, you must consider if you are in a healthy relationship.

Kristi’s story is common and her choice to leave is becoming more common. If you are in an unhealthy relationship, make sure you evaluate.  Even if others don’t see what’s happening, you owe it to yourself. Talk with people around you. Get professional help if needed, but don’t stay in a relationship that makes you feel lonely or unsupported. Make sure your relationships are healthy and encourage growth. It’s part of being happy (and healthy), for life.