Before her next session, Jane found a notebook and started writing things down.  She wrote down events including other fights with her husband when he had been drinking, trying to protect her children from his angry outbursts, and feeling like she had been walking on eggshells for years, trying to keep things stable.  As she wrote down the details of the events, she stopped and looked out the window.  She suddenly felt embarrassed and weak for all the events that she was remembering. 

As Jane watched the trees move in the breeze, she wondered why she wasn’t stronger.  Why hadn’t she left years ago? She usually considered herself a strong woman but she didn’t feel strong as she wrote.  She felt weak and trapped. 

She thought about her wedding day, and how she wanted to grow old with her husband.  She wanted to hold hands, watch their kids grow, and share in their success.  Instead, she watched her vocabulary, was more cautious when her husband had been drinking, and tried desperately to create the happy family that she wanted on her wedding day. 

Jane returned to therapy and shared her homework.  She talked about events over the years, and how she needed to think about herself and her future for a while. They talked about boundaries and communication.  They worked on Jane’s goals for her future, outside her marriage, and how Jane could focus on them.  Jane worked on developing a routine that met her needs, not about making her husband happy.

Tara and Jane worked on role plays, including conversations that Jane wanted to have with her husband.  They focused on challenging demeaning remarks, planning conversations, and safety planning.  Jane was clear that her husband had never laid hands on her, and she had been clear with her husband that if he did, their relationship was over.  Tara acknowledged the information but wanted Jane to be prepared if the worst should happen.

Jane began to work on skills and use them at home.  Jane and her husband had conversations about the future, and Jane was getting better at standing up for herself.  She was feeling stronger and better about the future but there was much more to be done.  Jane challenged her husband to make changes as well.  She stopped trying to fix things as if everything was her fault.  She also relayed that she would no longer tolerate her husband’s demeaning remarks.  She was better able to define her concerns after working with Tara and started feeling better.

Jane thought about her husband.  This was their cycle.  He blew up after he had been drinking; she made changes and tried to settle things; while he did very little.  She was tired of the cycle that had been recurring over the last 10 or more years.  Her husband’s behavior and lack of remorse, and her own behavior trying to return things back to whatever normal was, needed to change.  It wasn’t normal for a husband to drink and disrespect his wife.  That’s not what healthy, supportive marriages look like.

Jane continued working with Tara, finding strength and support in the sessions.  She continued to talk with her husband about what she wanted and tried to get him to talk about his needs as well.  She was focused on a new normal, and as she continued to assess her marriage.  She knew she didn’t want to go back to way things were.