Becoming a parent is one of the biggest decisions of an adult’s life, at least it should be.  As I said before, it is not for the faint of heart.  There are many reasons to have children and many reasons not to have children, but whatever the reason, if you choose to be a parent, your children will need you for many years to come.   They will need you for comfort, money, teaching, structure, and at times to say no and redirect them to better choices.   There are many things about raising children that trip couples and cause issues, so let’s consider some things to think about.

First and foremost, children don’t fix relationships and keep couples together.  If anything, children tend to be a thing that pulls couples apart.  Differences in parenting styles, thoughts about punishment, spanking, and how much parents should help their children are all things that cause relationship discord at times.  If a relationship is having issues, bringing on the additional stress of raising a child often shows all the cracks in a relationship, and without support and communication it can bring divorce or separation.

Next, having children should never be to have someone to love you.  Children grow quickly into phases that include challenging you and questioning your role in their lives.  When working in parenting support, I often told parents that if you never hear “I hate you” from your child you aren’t doing “it” right.  As you teach them about life and structure, it’s their job to push against it.  You must strong and not give in.  They learn the wrong lessons when you do, and I assure you that no one will give in to them in the real world.   Children learn to trust and love unconditionally, but that doesn’t assure that they will love and respect you forever.  That is earned by helping them learn and grow, not by allowing problem behaviors that get them in trouble as school and in the community. 

Children should never be used as pawns.  I have done some couples counseling where one partner is using the children as leverage to try to get the other partner to stay.  They say things to the children about the other partner, that is negative and often not accurate or flat out lies.  This doesn’t give kids a safe, trusting platform to grow.  Make no mistake, many children figure out who to trust and who not to trust, but many are scarred for life by lies and deceit.  It affects their lives and relationships, making it harder for them to develop healthy relationships.

Although there are so many other situations that we could talk about related to raising children, the last one I want to mention is unconditional support.  When I was seeing children in treatment, they often struggled because they didn’t have anyone sharing positive, appropriate, feedback.  They didn’t feel worthy of love, and didn’t feel that they could accomplish things because that’s what they were told.  A lack of support and encouragement has profound effects on self-esteem and confidence in children.  It affects school performance and even the future when they are looking for a job, or a partner, or ways to be happy.   All children need support and love, for their futures.

When you think about raising children, if you choose that path, focus on that when you are in that phase of your family development.  Work with your partner to make your children confident.  They are counting on you to show them so many things.  They will develop confidence and self-esteem if you can develop the structure they need.  It’s all a part of their journey, to be happy for life.